I Love Him So Much
by Sakura Kim
Summary: I love him so much…I truly do…but I know that he doesn’t love me…so I shall leave him…before he hates me…and I will love him for always…hidden away from his happiness…
1. Chapter 1

I love him so much…I truly do…but I know that he doesn't love me…so I shall leave him…before he hates me…and I will love him for always…hidden away from his happiness…

* * *

**I Love Him So Much...**

By Sakura Kim

* * *

A.N. Okay, so what else could I title this? I know I should be working on Aquene, but I've hit a writer's block and I usually give up on ideas when I hit them, but I'm trying this time, I just don't know what to do. In the meantime, I have so many other ideas floating through my head, so I thought I might as well get a headstart on them, so here's my attempt at a sad story, though somehow it's getting away from me again, here you have it, "I Love Him So Much..."

* * *

I slowly opened my eyes and reached towards where my lover should have been. All I felt was the cold, empty spot that belonged to him.

"Inuyasha?" I mumbled, even though I knew that it was pointless. He was most likely already at work.

Ha! So much for romantic cuddling while we wake up after a hot, passionate night full of love, no scratch that, lust. There is no love in this relationship, only the love that I have for him. He has no love for me; all he has towards me is simply lust. I'm merely a replacement. I'm only here until the original decides to come back. Who am I kidding? There's no way that he would cuddle with me.

Why did I ever start this relationship?

* * *

Ever since high school, I've longed for it. Him. Inuyasha. I wanted to love him with my whole heart and to be love by him as well. But it was impossible, back then at least, since he always had a beautiful person next to him, Kikyou. 

They had been together since childhood; they were in love since childhood. All in all, they were inseparable. I had no place to fit in.

All through high school they were an item, though in the beginning they denied it. But in the end, at the most popular musical in our school's history, they performed as the lead roles in a play that was literally tailored to fit them, and they got married on stage. Even though the marriage wasn't a real one, everyone in our school recognized them as a married couple.

But even though I knew all this, I couldn't stop my feelings for him. It's ironic, though. In all the years, until now, that I've loved him, I've only talked, no, been approached by him once, and that one time was an accident.

I had been walking to the library to return some books when Inuyasha's loud voice filled the courtyard that I was taking a shortcut through. I don't remember if there was anyone else in the courtyard, but he started yelling, "Kikyou! Wait up!"

I didn't hear Kikyou answer and I started wondering if they had had a fight, but I pushed the thought away as being meddlesome since I'd already decided by then to forget these painful feelings.

But he kept shouting, repeating that same phrase over and over again, his voice getting agitated and he sounded like he was running. All of a sudden, I felt a great weight fall on my shoulder and Inuyasha's voice shouting, mad, at me, "Kikyou! I told you to…" His voice fell silent then and I realized that he had thought that I was Kikyou.

He blushed, embarrassed and raised his arm to scratch the back of his head. "Sorry, I thought you were her." All I did was stare at him, not being able to believe all that happening.

Right then, Kikyou's voice called out, "Inuyasha!" and he turned away from me, me being forgotten already, and he ran over to her like a happy puppy, ready to greet his master.

I continued to stand in my spot and I stared at them as they headed towards the cafeteria, all happy and acting like the perfect couple, until I couldn't see them anymore.

At their high school graduation, they were still the perfect couple. That was the last I had seen of them until one year ago, when they showed up at my part-time job.

I couldn't believe my eyes, as I had been doing the odd jobs around the bar like I always did when I wasn't singing up on the stage, when I heard the door open. For some unknown reason, I was compelled to look at who entered, and it was them, still happy and still together.

They came a few more times, always together, always happy; though, never when I sang. They still looked like the perfect couple.

But then, one day, Inuyasha came in alone and he drank a lot, it was unbelievable that a person could drink that much. Eventually, he was so drunk he couldn't even stand up by himself and my boss looked like he didn't know what to do.

I offered to take him home, since my shift was already over, though it took a while to convince my boss that it was safe. I told him that I knew him from high school, and that I could get myself out of any sticky situation since I was very athletic. My boss looked reluctant but since there wasn't much choice, he let me do as I pleased, but made me promise to get it over with as soon as possible and to call 119 if anything happened.

I simply laughed at him. Supporting Inuyasha with my arms and shoulders, I managed to call a taxi, get his address from his wallet, and get him into his apartment.

After I had got him into his room, I was at a loss of what to do. Should I just leave or should I get him some medicine, or at least water, to ease the hangover he was sure to have when he woke up?

As I stood up to drag him over to his bed, he collapsed on top of me, making me bang into the edge of the bed. A groan was going to escape my throat when I felt him embrace me tightly and heard him whimper something.

"Please…don't leave me."

My heart broke then and all the thoughts that had been going through my head disappeared and I lost all my reasons to say no. Planning to leave before he'd wake up, I'd decided to be his lover, if for one night, and then, I'd be able to let him go.

Clutching him tighter to my chest, I let a tear escape my eye as I whispered his precious name. His lips sought mine, then, and I complied with his wishes, letting him do as he pleased to me.

Everything didn't go as planned though. In the morning, I woke up to the sounds of Inuyasha's groans and curses about his hangover.

Not remembering where I was, I sat up and tried to remember what I did and where I was. The only things I did remember, though, were my manners, and so, seeing that there was another person in the room, and that it was morning, I said, "Ohayo gozaimasu."

Inuyasha jumped a little at my voice, and startled, he replied back, "Y..yeah. Ohayo."

After that, he just stared at me for a while, looking totally confused as to who I was. "About that…um…you…?" he couldn't get a coherent sentence out.

I was unsure of what to do, should I lie or tell the truth? But seeing as how lies always make a drama series go over what could have been 2 episodes and for a lot of hate to happen, I told a partial truth, not wanting him to hate me, but still wanting this moment to last a bit longer.

"I…I work at the place you were at last night. And you were dead drunk so I helped you home."

He took a cigarette out of its package, put it to his lips, lit it, and took a long drag. As he blew out, I figured that that meant that it was time for me to leave, and so I prepared myself mentally, to say goodbye, and was about to get out of the bed, when Inuyasha made a sudden exclamation, making me jump where I was in the bed.

"Ahhh!" He exclaimed. I stared at him for a bit, thinking he was going to get angry at me, but he continued, clutching his head, "Sumimasen! I drank too much last night and can't remember a thing. If I forced myself on you-"

"It was me!" I interjected, and before I could even stop it, "I like you Inuyasha!" spilled out of my throat. I was about to cover my mouth in horror, but, realizing that would make the situation worse, I simply stared at him, unsure of what to do. But realizing that he thought that he raped me last night, I quietly added, "So last night was consensual."

He stared at me for a bit. "Ah, is that so…" He breathed a sigh of relief and took another drag.

I stared at the bed totally dejected and horrified. I had just confessed to the man I've love for so, so, so long and totally made myself to sound like a whore. I don't know how long I sat there cursing myself, with him staring at me, but when I heard him move, I knew it was all over.

He reached over and grabbed my chin. "Hn. So you like me, huh?" I was totally confused. "Go out with me then."

I don't know if it was out of duty or where this sudden command came from, but when I looked at his face, I saw a smirk, once again full of confidence as he added, "I wouldn't mind going out with you."

What else could I do then? The man of my dreams was asking me out! So I did what any other insane person would do then, I agreed.

* * *

Okay, this is like the first time for me to write in the first P.O.V. so I have absolutely no idea how this went. So, until the next chapter, that is, if anyone wants one, this is all I have to say, so I'll wait for reviews and decide what to do thereafter. 


	2. Chapter 2

I love him so much…I truly do…but I know that he doesn't love me…so I shall leave him…before he hates me…and I will love him for always…hidden away from his happiness…

---

**I love him so much**

**Chapter 2**

By Sakura Kim

---

A.N. okay, a little warning. I didn't check this chapter over for mistakes, but then again, I didn't do that for the last one either. So if there are any stupid ones, forgive me, I wrote this way early in the morning. Also, my writing style kind of changes during the story, but then again, the person who told me that is an ass, so maybe it didn't. I can't think of anything else so enjoy the story!

---

I rolled over and looked over at the clock. 9:00 a.m. Time to go to work. I hauled myself out of bed and forced myself to take a shower, brush my teeth, and change.

I looked at the clock again. 9:30 a.m. If I didn't leave now, I was going to be late. I took a quick glance at the calendar to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. I noticed a weird, chibi pill type thingy on today's date. I guess today's the day for the pill.

I hurried into the kitchen and reached into the drawer where my anti-preg pills were stashed. I stared at it for a moment, if I didn't take it and got pregnant, maybe I could get him to stay with me? Maybe I could get him to love me?

My phone beeped at me, 9:35 a.m., the latest time I could leave before I'd be late for work, snapping me out of my thoughts. I quickly poured myself a glass of water and downed the pill before running out of the house and getting into my car.

While driving to work, my mind drifted back to my previous thoughts. Now that my mind wasn't in such a rush, I continued a conversation that I've had with myself many times.

Just because I get pregnant doesn't mean that he'd stay with me. Knowing him, he'd make me abort the baby and dump me. That or blame me for being irresponsible about something so serious. If he'd say that, I'd say that the pill isn't 100 guaranteed, even if it is. And then he'd yell at me, and then we'd fight, and then I'd win by either making him feel guilty or making him believe what I'd lied about, simply because he doesn't know anything related to that. Then I'd feel bad, we'd be on rocky ground, and then we'd be back to square one.

Simply put, getting pregnant would just be a messy event that would only end in a worse situation.

I turned into my job's parking lot, parking in my usual spot. I turned off my engine, got out of my car, and walked into the building going into the usual changing room, changing into the usual outfit, greeting the usual people, and sitting at the normal front desk of some big corporate office.

What a boring job; especially since there were barely any people that approached the desk where I worked at. And so I filled my mind with the usual topic, Inuyasha and our relationship, specifically what I should do about it.

At the end of my working hours, I changed out of my uniform and debated on what I should do. Should I go to Inuyasha's house or should I wait for an invitation?

As I was debating, though, my cell rang and I reached for it, not bothering to check the caller ID.

"Moshi moshi," I chirped into my cell, hoping for an answer to my predicament.

"Hey Kagome," Inuyasha's sexy voice called through the speaker.

My voice caught in my throat making me unable to say anything.

"Hope I'm not bothering you," he stated, sounding a bit worried.

My voice finally freed itself. "Nope, not at all. I've just finished changing out of my uniform."

"That's good," he replied. "Well I was just going to ask you to stay over tonight."

My heart fluttered in my chest. He was going to be home tonight! "Sure, why not," I nonchalantly responded. "Anyways, I practically live in your house. I'll cook dinner while I wait for you. What do you want to eat?"

Inuyasha softly chuckled and I thought that I'd faint, I'd made him laugh! "Yeah, that's right. I'm surprised the nameplate outside of my house doesn't have both of our names. As for dinner, whatever you make will be good. I like your cooking and I'll be starving when I get home. I have to get back to work so see you in a bit." He hung up the phone.

"Yeah, see ya." I responded to the silence of the phone.

Remembering that Inuyasha's refrigerator was empty, save for the beer cans and few random pieces of food, I decided to go to the grocery store since he wasn't going to be home for a few more hours anyways.

All the way to the grocery store, I thought about what to make, but nothing came to mind. Even when I got to the grocery store, I wasn't sure of what I was going to make, so I decided that I'd see what was on sale and make something from those ingredients.

But as I was strolling along the meat section of the store, my phone rang again; another call from Inuyasha!

"Moshi moshi!" I chirped once again into my cell phone, my insides were all ecstatic at the fact that he called me twice within an hour's time, twice!

"Hey, uh, Kagome…Something just came up, could you not come over tonight?" Inuyasha's voice came through the other end, sounding a bit unsure. Or was that just my hopes of him not being a heartless bastard being projected onto him?

I was about to ask why, when I thought better of it. I don't want to seem like a clingy girlfriend, do I? Of course not, then he'd start hating me.

"Sure, that's…" I was about to finish when I heard a woman's seductive voice on the other end.

"Hey, Inuyasha. Who're you talking to? Huh?" that voice sounded suspiciously like Kikyou's.

"Yeah, well, Kagome. I gotta go, so see ya later!" He hastily said before hanging up on me.

This time, I didn't say a farewell to the empty silence; I just stared at the phone. Inuyasha blew me off to be with Kikyou.

I wasn't shocked or hurt or anything; I was simply numb. I knew that this was going to happen eventually, that I was simply a replacement for her.

All of a sudden, it felt like the bottle cap on my emotions exploded and I was filled with an urgent sense of panic and a trillion desperate emotions.

No! I didn't want this relationship to end like this! I want to be with him! I love him more than she does! I…

I quickly put a new stopper on those emotions and calmed myself down. I was in public, I had to keep a calm face. So, before I lost control over my emotions again, I quickly bought enough ingredients to make myself a decent dinner and headed home.

Even though I bought the ingredients, when I got home, I had no desire to cook and I wasn't hungry, so I just threw the ingredients somewhere and flopped, face-down, onto my bed.

I pushed my face as deep into the pillow as it would go, I don't know why I did that, but all it made me do was sneeze.

I flopped over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. There was so much dust flying around from that simple movement that I realized that I hadn't been here for at least six months. Inuyasha and I had been going out for almost a year, and the amount of time that I had spent at my own home had slowly shrunk until I didn't come home anymore.

I sighed, then coughed as all the dust in the room assaulted me from that single breath. I really needed to find a distraction before I started to depress myself thinking about Inuyasha.

Man, I could really use a drink.

I walked over to my fridge and opened it, only to find it bare of anything edible or drinkable. I closed it and sighed. It seemed that everything was against me today.

My head started pounding and I decided that I really needed a drink, and so, grabbing a jacket and my apartment keys, I headed over to the bar that I used to work at. Surely seeing my kind ex-boss would cheer me up?

I walked into the bar and noticed that it was crowded more that usual. I shoved my way to the bar and spotted my boss pouring some drinks.

"Hey Miroku!" I called out to him. He looked up and when he spotted me, he looked relieved. Uh oh, I knew that look.

"Kagome! Great timing! Could you help out tonight? If you can't tell, we're a bit short on workers tonight. Thanks!" he asked, begged, no calmly said before pouring more drinks, knowing very well that I couldn't refuse him.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair as I walked into the employees' area and changed into the workers uniform. At least, here, I could drink while I work and earn money while doing something that I enjoyed.

After I got on my uniform, I stepped out into the bar and immediately I was in the flow of working there. My mood got so much better, my worries went away, and I was actually happy; something I haven't been much of lately.

Tonight, all the bands that had been booked to play showed up and I didn't have to sing as filler. I was slightly disappointed as when I'm happy, I have this insatiable urge to sing. But then, my chance came.

Many of the bands that play at this bar only play here because it is known as an "agent-hive". What that means is that there are a lot of talent agents that hang out at this bar and that is because Miroku is friends with a whole bunch of them. The funny thing is, though, a lot of bands chicken out or something right before they have to play, and when they do, I usually fill in for them. Sadly, this wasn't one of those cases.

The band that was playing had this really weird looking singer. I mean, she obviously looked old but she put her hair up into pigtails with pom-poms and then she wore this hideous hot pink shiny thing. And the other band mates, well, I don't want to even mention them.

It would have been fine if she had a nice voice, but she didn't. And she had this super big attitude too. In the middle of her song, when she noticed that nobody was paying attention to her, she stopped singing and threatened the crowd. "Why aren't you paying attention to me? I decided to be nice and sing for you guys but you guys aren't even appreciating my sacrifice!"

Of course, the audience stopped being polite and started booing her off the stage. Miroku started to look panicked because in a previous situation like this, a riot had broken out. And so I came to the rescue.

I went up to the girl and started telling her off, politely. "Excuse me, but unless you have something better to play, I'm afraid that you'll have to get off the stage. The audience apparently doesn't appreciate your music or your attitude."

Then she got all red in the face, "Like you can do any better!"

I calmly responded, "Oh, but I think I can."

Furious, she stomped off the stage. I looked back at Miroku, unsure of what to do, but he motioned for me to take the stage, and when I looked back at it, I noticed my usual band mates were up there already, smiling, and eager for me to join them.

I smiled back at them, who cares that I'm in my bar uniform. And as I walked up to the stage, the audience broke out in applause; apparently most of them have heard me sing before.

As I started singing, my sense of time flew away and before I knew it, it was time to close the bar. Many of the customers who had listened to me kept me from my cleaning duties, saying my voice was amazing, that they were my biggest fans, that they couldn't wait until I debuted, etc. etc.

I finally managed to shoo them away, promising that I'd sing again soon, and when I went to do some cleaning, I noticed that it had all been finished. All finished except for one stool, which remained seated before the bar and Miroku wiping out a shot glass.

Knowing Miroku, I guessed that he wanted me to sit at that seat and for us to talk. So I sat there and waited for him to start.

"Kagome, is something wrong? I mean, nothing has to be wrong for you to come here, but your face when you came in didn't look like the normal, happy you."

I knew I could count on him to notice my troubles, he was just too kind not to notice. "Yeah, I think it's over for me and Inuyasha."

He stopped wiping and stared at me. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Could I have the special of the house?"

He smiled at me, "Sure, you can have it on the house."

We both giggled, well I giggled and he chuckled, at our inside joke before he made two orders of my drink. He gave me one and gave himself one and as I downed it all at once, I could feel it working its magic on me, easing all my troubles; Miroku simply sipped at his drink.

"You know, maybe it's just a misunderstanding. You should try and talk it out with him, okay?" I was doubtful that it would work, but I nodded anyways to keep him happy. "Do you think you could tonight? I'm afraid that this bar has been getting busier and busier ever since you left."

"Are you saying my leaving was a good thing?" I joked around with him. Goodness it felt good to be joking around, I haven't done anything like that since I quit working here.

"Of course not, Kagome. You're our prized employee who can do everything so perfectly. It just so happens that a little bit after you left, one of our customers, who works in advertisement, liked our bar a lot and decided to do some free advertising for us as long as she got many of her drinks on the house."

"Apparently it worked." I commented, impressed by this customer of his. "So, who is this customer?" I asked, curious as to who would go that far for this bar.

"My soon to be wife." I just stared at him as if he was crazy.

"Remember Sango?" he smugly asked me.

"Yeah?" I answered, suspicious of where this was going.

"Well, she recently got a job at an ad firm and thought that this bar was deserving of being her first project."

"Wow! That's great for her!" I exclaimed, genuinely impressed. "But what does that have to do with being your future wife?"

"I was hoping that you hadn't forgotten." He got this crazed, obsessed look on his face, I don't even know how to describe it; it only meant that he was up to no good. "Well, after she slapped me around a few times for groping her, I realized she was the one for me." At that, he got this dreamy look on his face and sighed. Oh brother.

"Man, Miroku. You're still groping girls?" I shook my head at his idiocy. "I told you it would only lead to bad things."

"Yes, but this is a good this, isn't it?" he said with that dreamy look still on his face.

"Marriage is a good thing? If you say so." I skeptically responded before downing my drink which Miroku had refilled without me noticing.

I heard my cell phone alarm go off. "Oh, I guess it's time to go to work." I calmly stated as I sipped at my drink which Miroku had once again refilled.

"Um, Kagome? Shouldn't you call in sick today? You've had quite a few strong ones." Miroku advised me.

"Yeah, yeah. I don't fee like going to work anyways. Work…" Something was off with that phrase. Work? "...Shit! Work! I have to work today! Oh man, what am I going to do?" I started panicking and doing the little panic dance all around the bar.

I heard Miroku rummaging through something and heard him make a call. C'mon Miroku! I'm in a panic right now! Now's not the time to be calling you're girlfriend!

"Hello? Yes, I'm calling about your employee Kagome Higurashi." What? I turned around to watch him. "I'm afraid that yesterday she fell ill with the flu and hasn't recovered yet…I'm a family friend…no, no, I'm not her boyfriend, in fact, do you want to bear my children? …Hahaha, actually I have a fiancé…no, not Kagome…I am not lying…in fact, I'm more like a father or big brother to Kagome, I even gave her her first job…yes I'm old enough to give jobs…no, it's okay, I like being mistaken as being younger…yes, I wish I could be her boyfriend, too…thank you…yes I'll take care of her very well…good day to you to…good-bye." He finished up the conversation, giving me a wink. "Well, I think that solves your job problems for today."

I smiled at him. "Yeah, thanks."

"You should go then. Go home and try not to get a hangover, I gave you some pretty strong shit." He joked with me while pushing me out the door.

I stopped him and gave him a, slightly, drunken hug. "Thanks again. I'll work here again once I break up with Inuyasha. I got at least three times the pay at my day job last night than I do in a normal day."

"Of course, that's why you should come back, though, while still dating Inuyasha. Oh yeah, can you work tonight as well? Tomorrow's your day off anyways, right?" he asked as he finally got me outside the door.

Fading outside, I turned around to look at him. "Probably, unless Inuyasha wants to see me tonight. I'll call you and tell you when I find out."

"Remember to try to talk it out with him, Kagome. Everything isn't always what it seems." He said with one last hug.

"Okay, thanks a lot Miroku. Ja ne." He released me and I waved back at him as I walked away.

Talk things over with Inuyasha, huh? I could feel a heavy, sad weight make my heart sink. Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

-----

Gah! Stupid ruler/separator thingy isn't working! Okay, so how was the chapter? Honestly, I finished the majority of it a while a go, but then I was so tired, I stopped, and then I forgot about it. So, I really need a beta reader, so if anyone wants to do it for me, that would be very nice. Plus, being the beta reader, you can bug me as much as you want for me to hurry up with the next chapter and also tell me other things to put in it that seems like it would fit the story. Isn't that a great deal? So yeah, before I start babbling, I'll shut up. Oh yeah, visit my site! (click the homepage link on my profile)

Oh yea, just to let you guys know, I might drop this story to T, unless you guys want some lemons in it, which might not come till way later in the story, also, I've never written one so...yeah...tell me what you think about that...then again, I don't really know what else constitutes an M rating besides lemons and extreme violence.

Also, what do you guys think about swearing? Personally, I'm trying to avoid it, but it's sometimes trying to surface in this story, so if you guys don't mind it, I might put some in.

Tell me what you think! (please)

...See...I babbled...- -' (ffn won't let me make the face correctly...gah!)

Thanks for reading!


End file.
